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Saturday, November 14, 2009

courage

after hearing childhood stories of angie, doris and alex (i think that's his name. sorry if i got it wrong!! its angie's brother), i was like 'wow'. i've quarelled with my brother, sure. but not like that. the worst i did was slap my brother with a ruler. a plastic ruler. and he'd scratched me with his nails till i bled. we kinda swap genders when we were young cuz i would be the stronger one (obviously since i was bigger) and he could scratch me till i bleed but no matter how hard i try, my nails never penetrated his skin. at that time, i thought i failed as a girl. and well, i only knew how to use brutal strength.

and then it got me thinkin... i'm pretty sure my bro and i quarelled a lot and probably hated each other as much as angie and her bro did when they were fighting. but how come, we never got to the part where i'd throw pipes at him and break his arm and tackle him etc. ok one reason would be cuz he was a lot smaller size than me and he would probably have died.

but besides that i think the main point was that i was never brave enough to attempt such a feat. i always thought about the consequences. i was always timid. what if, what if, what if, scared, scared, scared. i realise that i'm always scared. dunno scared about what, but yeah scared. the reason why i'm still so hopeless in cantonese, is cuz i don't dare to speak and try. its the reason why i don't learn much of any other dialects and languages either. and so i always look at others who can be so fluent in multiple languages with complete awe and envy.

i'll remember my dad tellin me the reason why i picked up mandarin so much faster than my brother through our childhood was cuz i wasn't afraid to speak. and i really don't know where that courage went. but back then, i had the comfort zone and security of speaking mandarin with my cousins tat i wasn't afraid to make mistakes. but now, wherever i go i feel like ppl's gona laugh at me and think i'm this hopeless banana, that my voice would barely be audible and usually single syllables when i speak languages that i'm not comfortable which would be any other language except english.

actually i've so much more to blog about but after an hour spent on the phone with my R i really don't have a lot of energy left to invest here. besides, its late and i gota go for church 2moro. btw, 2012 rocks. this director/producer sure doesn't disappoint even since the show the day after 2moro. cool
Friday, November 13, 2009

had it

i find myself asking me so often, "is it me?" that i figured all along its probably becuz i couldn't accept the fact and i should now that yes, its just me. period. so stop asking and irritating the daylight of myself and stop being such a pain.

at least someone else saw my dress today and someone else complimented on it even though it really was worn for someone else.

no really, wad the hell. i'm just some lack of attention kid yearning for what else? bingo, more attention. how desperate can i get right.

is it wrong to be unhappy? seriously, this is all bullshit.

i'm so disappointed and now i'm so pissed and even more disappointed. i've had enough.

i should just let it all out when i'm unhappy instead of keeping it all to not further hurt ppl. but what the hell? i'm treated just the exact opposite. nvm that, i have to sit like a fool swallow all the sharp words hurtled at me and welcoming the cold shoulder when ppl get mad but when i get mad instead, noone does the same PLUS, ppl get mad as well.

hell, i feel like a dumb dog. act like stupid, treated like dog.


Monday, November 09, 2009

no, i'm no lion. i'm pms-ing. hear me roar.

this week is gona be a very bad week. i can feel it. p2 for 4 days with probably extended hours by the sounds of it. i know its suppose to be a bonus cuz menon's committed enough to do that so we should feel blessed and things like that. but the thought of it feels like pain.

i just talked to roger about all my complaints and distress and yes, he always makes it better. like he just takes the pain away. i'm no longer pms-ing now but i'm still gona sound like i am cuz i wana record this down.

i just brushed my teeth but i was in such a foul mood i felt like eating ciku so yes, i went and cut myself some nice ciku. never cut one before, never ate it when i was growing up, not that i remember. tried it from the conve 2 days back and found that i really like it so i bought me some which was tonnes cheaper. doesn't take a genius to figure out how to skin it and stuff. and the seed is so convenient. ciku is a good hassle-free fruit to eat. not to mention its local. i have a ciku tree in my jb house actually. but it never beared fruit. dunno why. it decided to become a nun i think. sorry i'm just being mean. and for some reason my house just never bought the fruit. i don't see my granpa eating it. maybe its suppose to be sacred or something. nah, i'm kidding again.

the connection here officially sucks. yes, it might have gotten better after the upgrade. but aft finding out that they cut xsocam in the "BELIEF" that it slowed our connection down, it just became totally not good enough for me at all. yes, pages load faster now, but wadeva item or content in that page that failed to load in that period of time just never got load at all. like pictures from blogs, videos, etc. so connection still sucks. and the death of our beloved xsocam is NOT JUSTIFIED.

yes, i'm aware that i have roger to dl anything i want for me but i like the freedom of browsing and surfing, looking for items that i MIGHT want. you know, like window shopping. so it would work for a guy in my situation cuz guys figure out what they want, then they go look for it. whereas girls, LOOK for what they want and then figure out which ones are worth getting. so u see the difference?

i know my mood seems to fluctuate pretty fast since like just hours ago i was so elated and filled with pride of my miniature subway wanabe. but that sandwich made my stomach feel funny. and my tummy identified the cause (i think) which is onions. yes i put quite a bit in there. actually not a lot, just that i'm not a skilled chef so my cutting skills are a little off. so i get few. but thick slices of onions. but hey, i LIKE! my stomach just seems to get jealous when my tongue is having a ball of a time so whatEVER i like to eat, i never seem to able to eat alot of it without my tummy me hell. which is just so unfair! i can eat lotsa fried things or salty things that makes my hair wana drop (but doesn't) and my stomach just stays like tht. happy and contented. and all those bland food as well. YUCK!

so now even the thought of proud sandwich puts me off. what a bummer. see, that's another reason why i ate the cikus as well. i figured that since my stomach already chose to give me hell, i might as well eat more and make the experience more worth it rite.

while being unhappy with everything Uncle M's words just suddenly pop into our head telling us to be happy. life is to short to be otherwise. life should be enjoyable, etc. i don't know why i would remember his words amongst so many out of the blue.

roger sms-ed me earlier about his mom liking something. so i thought he was telling me that so we could get that for her as a birthday present (its around the corner). and since i've been thinking about it for like the longest time, it would definitely be a relief. but then i opened the message and saw the thing she like at the end of the message was: me.

so though the sms and the thought was really nice but it didn't exactly help. cuz i can't exactly tie myself up in a ribbon and present myself to her on her birthday. what good am i anyway? i don't do anything except eat and slp. yea, sure i can do a bit of household chores but every bit of work i do has to be compensated with 5folds of food and rest before and after. so not quite worth it. she's probly gona return the gift a week after, paying for me to be taken back. lol now u see why roger's always broke. he's like a farmer rearing pig except that this pig doesn't get slaughtered so he never gets to cover his cost. poor thing. but then the catch is i'm his golden pig. so i'm a treasure. you don't usually exploit treasures. u keep them. u may show or display them, some would even hide them. they're valuable, yes.. and becuz they are very much so, that they aren't much of any use. lol

wow i really know how to stab myself and then polish my own shoes. i figured i'm not gona do anymore studying for the day cuz i know now that i'm not gona be able to finish studying before revision anyways. so either ways, i'm gona suffer. i feel like drinking the choc quaker oat i just bought today but i'm not hungry and i'm going to slp. actually i wasn't even hungry when i ate the cikus. and actually i've eaten everything i bought from jusco today except the jumbo bologna. ppl, eaten here doesn't mean finish. it just meant i've tasted everything i've bought. haha its like opening christmas present, you know? couldn't wait for another day. XD


Sunday, October 25, 2009

tick tock tick tock

you know, what with all the stomach drama i've been getting from my attitude problem tummy, i wonder if giving birth would really be much more painful. cuz everytime i'm pushing and pushing and taking fast breaths and go "HOOH! HOOH!" and all the funny facial expressions in the toilet i would think its probly no different than giving birth. sorry, too much info. but most of the drama only takes place in there anyways. lol

now everytime i sit in front of the computer the first thing i do will be to check out blog shops. almost feels like its my daily newspaper. only i frequent it for multiple times in a day. not just once like your typical Star.

i have fixed an appointment with roger and we will be going to ss15 for my first batch of real shopping spree. not the on9 one. oh and its this thursday. anyone want join, can let me know. or da bao anything... (TAROBALLS!!!!!!!) HUAH HUAH HUAH HUA.. counting down the days...

and now i got nothing better to do except stare at my sneak preview and making lists of what i want untill THURSDAY!!! oh i love thursdays. haha. literally, but not exactly.. ah, nvm. goin aunt's place later for lunch. SAVE MONEY!!! okk, blogshop a bit more then ciao-ing. adios!

ps: don't know why but studs seems to be all the craze in stephanie's mind right now. and colourful floral patterns and bodycon dresses. *gaga*


Saturday, October 24, 2009

rant rant

ok let's see, i just got my next month's allowance but its only the 24th. which means i got another week to go and if i start using it, next month's money will be short for a week. but thing is, i've already ran out of money like 'nong nong' time ago. but i figured its also cuz i used this month's allowance a bit earlier;last month. rah.

so now i'm trying to hang on for as long as i can before i withdraw from next month's funds. =( although makes no difference since i'm already using my emerency money. and whatever extra money i have from my allowance goes there anyways. but then, if i use, my allowance now, i won't ever have money to top up for emergency use which is sadly drying up. if i use emergency money now, i would have extra money to top it up later. though its in effect probly the same thing but i'd like to see it as different.

and i discovered another thing. the past week my stomach hasn't been feeling really well so it resulted in me losing appetite. i din really eat and stuff like that. surprisingly it didn't get me all depressed like it usually is (cuz not its not eating season for stephanie). but what's worse, it still did affect my mood. i got more temperamental when my period has already been over. for no apparent reason. i wasn't depressed or anything but i get angry and irritated a lot faster.

roger obviously noticed since he's the one who got most out of that. lol poor thing. so after thinkin, i concluded that its very probably due to lack of food. no seriously. although roger n waimun(from sch) told me i look like i did lose a little weight(hehe) but i flare up pretty easily. less patient, more sensitive. basically the kind u get when its "the time of the month".

so anyways, i told roger today i craving for Face2Face. so we went there and i got myself a BIG bowl of pan mee and now, i feel totally at peace with the world. (not sure if its all the psychological effect) but i somehow feel like my mind's temper department is slowly being put to sleep cuz just ate well.

therefore, i can currently conclude that if i were to lose weight, i would have to lose my happiness and if i keep my weight, i get to keep my bright cheerful self as well. that's why they say u can't have both the cake and eat it. but its just not fair cuz not all skinny girls are grumpy. sheesh but then oh wells, if i lose weight i risk losing my boobs too. its just ironic how whenever u wana lose weight, the place u wana keep shrinks first and the place you wana lose first shrinks last. gah. unfair-unfair-unfair.

next. remember earlier i mentioned it is no longer eating season for me? haha guess what season it is now.. it is the time for SHOPPING!! yeah i've been thinking about it, craving for it, for days and days. but i can't really do anything except window-blog-shop cuz i really really got no money. but STILL! i manage to get myself a pair of leggings. at least i hope i still qualify since i made late payment by accident. sigh.

but yeah now i understand how some girls would rather starve and buy themselves nice stuff. cuz that's exactly how i'm feeling rite now. i rather stinge on food then go shopping!!!! XD

oooh... noo.. i just got an email saying i don't get my leggings anymore cuz i paid late. so sad. i'm getting my refund back. i feel like a blog-shopper noob. =(